The Cape Rouge, Port of Fandom, Wednesday

[outofherdepths]

Larceny looked at the TV, making distressed noises. She was clutching the remote, sometimes using it to change the channel, but to no avail.

None of her friends were there.

No matter what channel she turned it to, the TV kept showing the same people: a man in red, a woman in red, several big creatures with terrifying horns and sometimes a nose that looked like it had been dipped in blood. Those were clearly some kind of predator and they seemed to be obeying the man and woman? While tiny children ran about?

Had they killed her usual friends? Why were none of her friends about?!

"Duke! Duke! Help!"

[Open! Trying to get back into the swing of things!]

Comments

[betterthanaplan]

Duke had been working on finding a good indoor space for Tuesday yoga when Larceny started shouting. He figured he could probably be forgiven for coming charging over with his gun drawn.

To find . . . nothing. "What?" he asked, looking around and behind things for whatever had freaked her out. "Was it a clown? Creepy guy in bright colors with weird hair?"

That was probably not going to be the most helpful description of a clown, no.

[outofherdepths]

Well, actually...

"Yes!" she shouted pointing at the screen. "Clown! Clown! Where are my friends!"

[betterthanaplan]

Duke looked at the TV, then back at her. "That's not a clown, that's Santa. If you don't want to watch Santa you can just change the channel."

Look, he didn't really watch TV much himself. So he didn't know this was Fandom's festivity du jour yet.

[outofherdepths]

Well now she was definitely confused. He was in brightly colored clothes and had weird hair, Duke!

"What is Santa?" she asked, flipping through the channels to show him. "None of my friends are here! Only Santa!"

[betterthanaplan]

". . . Huh." Duke tucked his gun away and ran his hand through his hair. "Either everyone agreed today was Christmas special day, or Fandom's doing a thing." He shrugged. "Santa's a -- I guess I can't really decide he's mythical around here, can I. He's a guy. Who goes around giving good Christian kids presents."

[outofherdepths]

Oh yeah. That was a whole blank stare for you now Duke. There were multiple unknowns in that explanation. "Presents?"

Christian? Christmas?

[betterthanaplan]

Duke sat down with a sigh. Would he ever get used to having to explain literally everything to people from other universes?

Probably not.

"Okay. Do you have holidays where you're from? Or birthdays maybe? You don't even do names, so I guess probably not. . . ."

[outofherdepths]

Hey! She was right here from this one!

Just...a very different part. La.

"What is a birthday?"

[betterthanaplan]

"It's the day of the year that you were born," Duke said. "Mine's in June. . . . Noooot that 'June' probably means much to you. The early summer. Christmas is sort of the birthday of this guy who lived a really long time ago. Christians are people who think he was really important, so they still throw a party for his birthday every year."

To put it extremely simply, anyway.

[outofherdepths]

"Oh okay," Larceny said, nodding.

And then paused. "What is being born?"

[betterthanaplan]

Duke rubbed his forehead. "Tell me you're joking."

[outofherdepths]

Larceny had learned, at least, that when he said that, he did not mean for her to say those words back. So she just shook her head.

[betterthanaplan]

He appreciated that. Those had been some very long, headache inducing conversations.

"Do you know what babies are?" he tried. He was leaning towards 'severe brain damage' again, and wondering why he put up with this sort of thing.

Right. Random pearls left lying around. That was why. Definitely not because he was a naturally helpful person or anything.

[outofherdepths]

That, at least, Larceny could answer. "Yes! They are not for eating!"

If you ate baby fish, not only were they too small, usually, to be particularly filling, but also you had fewer fish later.

Mermaids took sealife husbandry very seriously.

[betterthanaplan]

"That's -- yes. That's very true. I'm glad you know that."

Pearls. She paid him rent in pearls.

And at least he could be reasonably certain she wouldn't eat the baby porgs, now.

"Right, so. How do babies . . . happen?"

[outofherdepths]

She had, however, eaten more than one adult porg since coming to live on his boat.

Still, look! Another question she could answer.

"Eggs!"

[betterthanaplan]

He was willfully ignorant of that fact, thank you very much.

At least he’d only named one of them so far. If Polly Lobster went missing, he was going to be very unhappy, though.

“Um. Yes.” That was technically true even for mammals, if you counted from early enough. “When the baby comes out of the egg — or, you know, the mother — that’s called being born.”

[outofherdepths]

Keep feeding her cooked food and no porgs needed to get hurt, Duke.

Her brows furrowed as she thought for a moment. "Duke? What's a mother?"

[betterthanaplan]

Duke heaved a sigh. "Technically, the person who lays the egg," he said. "Emotionally . . . that's a much more complex question."

He had daddy issues out the wazoo, but they didn't hold a candle to his mother issues.

[outofherdepths]

"And what is a fucker?"

Look, for the most part, she had only heard those words together. You only had yourself to blame.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke had to smile at that one. "The one that makes the mother lay the egg." He shrugged. "Sometimes. You know what sex is, right?"

[outofherdepths]

"Noises from your room and I am not allowed to come in, even when I am very hungry," Larceny recited.

Man she was killing these answers.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke coughed, then nodded. "Right. Not unless everyone has full knowledge and consent of what's going on." Which she clearly still didn't. "Sex is -- very fun. And also, in the right -- or wrong -- combination, how babies are made. 'Fucking' is a euphemism for having sex. 'Motherfucker' is a derogatory term that actually has very little to do with the literal meaning of either mother or fucker. English is weird."

[outofherdepths]

"Do you have babies?" Larceny asked. It didn't bother her than there were no signs of children about the boat. Many species of fish laid eggs and swam away.

[betterthanaplan]

“Hell no. Absolutely not.” Duke winced. “That I know of. But I’m really careful. I grew up without any real parents to speak of, I’m not looking to screw some kid over that way myself.”